A Geordie In Girona

A damp squib

2024 was a funny old year and not one I will remember with any great fondness. I had hoped it might be the year that my business would take off but, if anything, it was worse than 2023 – a year which promised so much but ended up being a damp squib. It’s a bit of a strange expression ‘damp squib’ isn’t it? I’ve used it for as long as I can remember but it dawned on me that I didn’t even know what a squib was, so when I was first crafting this top-drawer content you are now reading, I decided to be a hero and look it up. It turns out a squib is a miniature explosive device used in a wide range of industries, from special effects to military applications. It resembles a tiny stick of dynamite, both in appearance and construction, but has considerably less explosive power. While most modern squibs used by professionals are insulated from moisture, older uninsulated squibs needed to be kept dry in order to ignite, thus a ‘damp squib’ was literally one that failed to perform because it got wet. The phrase ‘damp squib’, often misheard as ‘damp squid’, has since come into general use to mean anything that fails to meet expectations. Interesting, eh?

A load of tosh

So it seems apt to describe 2024 as a damp squib. A right load of old tosh also springs to mind. Unsure on this one, I couldn’t resist delving into the origins of this somewhat odd expression either. When I did, I discovered that it comes from the term ‘toshers’ (not tossers, but I’m sure many of the toshers in question were tossers as well), which referred to Londoners (many of whom actually are tossers – just take a look at Arsenal fans for starters) who would go into the sewers in search of valuable items. These people would search through garbage which they called ‘tosh’, leading to the term heard throughout the UK today. ‘A load of tosh’ is therefore used to describe something that is rubbish or isn’t very good, which is the sentiment I wished to convey when describing 2024. It also means rubbish in the sense of ‘nonsense’ and can be used as a criticism of a false, misleading, or annoying statement. Funnily enough, the term also makes me think about the ITV crime series The Bill because my favourite character from it, DC Alfred Lines played by the actor Kevin Lloyd, was also known as ‘Tosh’. Mind, I think it would be a bit harsh if his mates down at Sunhill Police Station had given him this nickname to insinuate that he was in some way rubbish or not very good. Yes, he was a bit on the portly side, which may have adversely affected his ability to catch nimble footed hoodlums on the Jasmine Allen Estate, but he was a decent copper – a million miles away from being ‘a load of old tosh’ – and as far as facial hair goes, his moustache was and always will be a thing of beauty in my eyes.

2025

In a bid to steer this post back on course and away from Tosh’s tache – no matter how sexual it may be – I wanted to talk about 2025. Now I don’t know why but, for some strange reason, I’m actually feeling quite positive and excited about 2025. I’m hoping work will pick up again after a couple of tough years in the translation industry what with the dreaded AI and computers taking over and all that tosh. We certainly can’t ignore the power and speed of Artificial Intelligence but there are still plenty of question marks about its quality. AI does produce decent copy now, there’s no getting away from it, but it isn’t perfect. Previously, clients thought they could save time and money with AI, but now there are signs they are slowly starting to come back to human translators as they look for a more nuanced and creative translation that has been adapted to their requirements, rather than the rigid copy a computer programme might churn out based on old data usage patterns. Another reason why I’m feeling good – and this might just be me being a bit weird – is because 2025 is one of those nice sounding round numbered years. Not only that but we’ve also reached the quarter century stage so 2025 is a landmark year. It is 25 years since it was the start of the millennium and in another 25 years it will be 2050 and the half century so I suppose this year feels important in some way. From a personal point of view, I’ve also reached a landmark because in November it was my half century birthday – a bit of a damp squibbed affair in all honesty as I couldn’t be arsed to celebrate it – which means for most of this year, until November at least, I’ll be 50. So with all these nice round numbers cropping up, it just feels as though 2025 could be a good year!

2000

I also remember being really optimistic for the year 2000 which, let’s face it, was another nice round numbered year. For anyone who struggles with maths – probably the same people who thought ‘damp squibs’ were ‘damp squids’ – I was 25 at the time and, from what I recall through all the beer and the fuzziness, it was a decent year. For starters, the millennium bug didn’t knack up the entire world and everything just continued exactly the same so that was pretty good and anything else was a bonus really. My team, Newcastle, also enjoyed a good cup run and reached the semi-final of the FA Cup with Bobby Robson in charge. Sadly, we lost 2-1 to Chelsea at Wembley. It was actually the third season in a row I’d been down to Wembley to see us lose, having already lost in consecutive FA Cup Finals to Arsenal in ’98 and Man United in ’99. Thankfully in 2000, we got beat in the semis instead – it was the first season the semi-finals were ever played at Wembley – so it saved me having to go back and watch us get beat in the final again, which is probably what would have happened knowing our luck! That being said, we would have been playing a poorer side, Aston Villa, in the final so we would have probably won actually – bloody typical! 2025 is looking like it could be a promising year as well for the Magpies. After already beating Arsenal (tossers) 2-0 in the Semi-Final first leg at their place, another appearance at Wembley, this time in the League Cup Final, looks like it’s on the cards. If we actually go on to win the competition, it would be our first domestic trophy since we lifted the FA Cup in 1955 – a mere 70 years ago. A right load of old tosh it would not be and I daresay there would be a fair few dry squibbed fireworks going off to celebrate the occasion!

Busy start to the year

It’s been a busy start to the year so far. I’ve had plenty of translation work, some of which has come from a new agency I’m working for. I’ve also done some copywriting which I always enjoy. On top of my normal workload, I’ve also been really busy changing the design and layout of my website and filling it with a lot of new copy to replace some of the outdated load of old tosh I had before. I also changed my logo to something really simple and, since it’s black and white, it blends in perfectly with the Geordie theme of my business. You may notice that a new page called ‘book’ has been added to my website as well. This is another reason why I’m really excited about 2025 as it will coincide with the publication of my long awaited book, ‘Chasing the Sun – Travel Tales from a Backpacker’s Diary’. It has already received rave reviews from the privileged few who have had the opportunity to cast an eye over it. “A damp squib it most certainly is not,” commented one lucky reader, whilst another erotically declared, “The last time I felt this passionate about something was when I clapped eyes on Tosh’s tache from the Bill for the first time”. Kind words I’m sure you’ll agree and I’m really looking forward to unleashing it on the world later in the year… my book, that is, not Tosh’s tache.

Laptop butchery

Although it’s true that I’ve got high hopes for 2025, it couldn’t have started any worse after I butchered my laptop to death on New Year’s Day. Well I didn’t actually butcher it to death but I might as well have done. The battery in my (now) old laptop had been past its best for over a year and it got to the stage where it really needed replacing. So I decided I would buy a new one and fit it myself. How hard could it be? Before buying it, I thought I’d better make sure I could take it apart to get to the battery. I had a quick look at a couple of You Tube videos which showed someone doing it with ease. Satisfied I would be victorious, I proceeded to get down to the nitty gritty with a screwdriver and a couple of kitchen knives. I won’t go into much detail about what happened next apart from to say my experience was nothing like what I’d witnessed on those You Tube videos I’d just been perusing. I managed to ply it apart but the amount of force I had to use was concerning, not to mention the funny burning smell I got a whiff of when I eventually did get the back off. I tried turning the laptop on but it was dead. The following day, I took it to a computer specialist who explained that it was completely kaput. My heart sank. The mother board had been damaged which meant the laptop couldn’t be fixed – in essence, just like the Christmas turkey a week earlier, it had been completely butchered – so I had to buy a new one. It goes without saying that this is not the kind of expense anyone wants to fork out at the start of a year, so my advice to anyone in a similar situation would simply be to not be a huge bellend – ignore the videos on You Tube as they are clearly a load of old tosh – and go to a computer specialist to get your battery changed instead. At this point, I would like to give a huge shout out to Cavtec in Kenton Bank Foot, Newcastle, for providing me with a like-for-like laptop, cloning everything from the old onto the new one, and getting me up and running again within 48 hours. They really saved my bacon, and for anyone who gets cheap thrills out of butchering their own laptop, I can’t recommend them enough.

Hello to my new subscribers

Due to a bit of a ‘shy bairns get nowt’ approach to marketing, I’ve recently seen a sharp rise in follower numbers, so I just wanted to end this post by thanking all my new subscribers for signing up to my blog – it’s very much appreciated! I seem to have my writing mojo back as well so, all being well, you can expect quite a few new posts from me over the coming months. My next blog will be about my love/hate relationship with my often annoying but always loveable Yorkshire terrier, Catalina. I’ve also got a post in the pipeline about the curious case of my giant stuffed panda called Gazza who was wearing my entire collection of Newcastle United shirts when he mysteriously disappeared. I’m also going to be writing about my affection for Argentina and the memories I have from living in this amazing country for two years. And of course, there will be updates on my book and how it is progressing.

So here’s to 2025 – a wonderful year that will hopefully be free from old tosh and damp squids!